To change the child for the better, change the parent

Where Are We Going, Dad is the hottest reality show to hit China television recently, and its attraction speaks of the growing awareness of the father's role in raising a child. Jia Rongtao is a self-taught education expert who had that epiphany years ago. And, he decided to put his money where his mouth is. Unlike the Tiger Mom and Wolf Dad who drive their children hard, Jia believes in his own unique methods of dealing with problematic children. He believes that to transform the child in trouble, the parents need to change first, and he did exactly that. Jia speaks from experience. His son, Jia Yufan, is currently pursuing a master's degree in psychology at the Beijing Normal University, but this was only after some difficult years in high school back in their hometown of Luoyang in Henan province. The young man's academic performance was at rock bottom and he was frequently involved in fights on campus. His headmaster had twice threatened to expel him, and the problems peaked in 2002. Jia also found his marriage in trouble. "I thought I was a successful businessman, offering my family all the things I thought they needed, but I didn't know my son hated me and was losing himself in cyber space," Jia says. Knowing that his son deserved better, Jia thought hard about the situation. "I suddenly realized the problems were with me. It was the way I'd been influencing and educating them that was wrong," he says. He believed that the problem was so serious that he quit his business and became a full-time father. He started reading up on educational methods and ideas, taking notes and following up on his son's performance at school. Father and son also began to talk, and became close friends. "We can't change the weather but we can change our mood. It's the same thing. Parents cannot force their children to change, but they can change their own attitude towards them," Jia reveals his secret. It is a change from most anxious Chinese parents who are always trying to mold their children. "We actually have many Chinese fathers like Jia. They work hard to give their children a better life," says Wu Yunli, who is helping Jia publish a book. "They feel frustrated and develop high anxiety when they do not get the results, mainly because there is a lack of father-child interaction. There is a loss of dignity for the father," says Wu. "Few can do what Jia did," Wu adds. Jia Yufan was encouraged by his father's brave decision and he began to work harder at his studies. He no longer avoided his problems but started to face them, together with his father. "He didn't give up on me when I was at my lowest," the son says. "I'm grateful that he has faith in me." Yufan calls his father "Mr Jia", just as he would a teacher. Three years after nearly dropping out of school, he was accepted by a university in Shaanxi province. After that, he followed his dream of studying psychology in Beijing and is currently helping more students like him by sharing personal stories. He is now his father's pride and joy. The elder Jia, 58, was born into a rural family and had only a basic education. He made his fortune through sheer hard work, and had not expected to give it all up for the "salvation" of his son, as he calls it. "Educating a child is never a small commitment," he says. "Besides, I benefitted from the experience, too." In the process of becoming a better father, Jia read thousand of books and accumulates notes of more than a million words. Besides reducing the tension in his family, Jia shares all he as learnt and helped other families in the same situation by giving more than 500 free lectures and persuading countless would-be drop-outs in returning to schools. His popularity is so great that he is now back in business with a consultancy, which has already, won an award in 2012 from the Chinese Society of Education. Jia and his son have co-authored a book, Change Yourself for Better Child Education published by Writers Publishing House, in which they record their experiences. It is book that is easy to read with real stories and discussions between father and son and how they resolved their conflicts. "The basic rules are understanding your children, and having faith in them," Jia says. Zheng Jianhua, the book's editor, believes the Chinese market craves this kind of educational books that draw from real and personal experiences.