Nights out are a teeny problem

You were best friends and confidantes through school, but now your child is a teenager. Suddenly, life is filled with the cacophony of slamming doors, incessant whines, turbulent tantrums and accusations of, "But you don't understand!" Curfew negotiations have taken on the scale of international round-table conferences; and you've been reading up on how America and Russia averted nuclear war. But it does not have to be this way. You can still be friends with your child through the turbulent years, and get him/her to come home on time. Most parents agree that they lay down the rules consistently and years in advance. The magical element is communication and demonstration. Talking about the dangers of staying out late without chaperones or being out without safe transport helps the child understand the parents' point of view. To figure out how to do this, just take a leaf out of these parents' book. We don't believe in the word 'curfew'. We think a teenager will rebel to the word itself, even before listening to the rules as it indicates restriction. We have told Anmol that he has a cut-off time and this has been modulated over time. Children like to be guided and if the concepts are introduced to them at the right time, it is easier for them to adhere to the rules and regulations of the house. As a child, Anmol had to be home by 7 pm as we had dinner at 8 pm and in bed by 9.30 pm. This continued till he turned 15. There were exceptions, but these were made with prior consultations of both parents. After 15, we let him stay out till 10 pm when he went out occasionally with friends for dinner or parties. Slowly the timing was stretched to 11 pm and then to 12 pm when he went to Class XII. Now at 19, Anmol is in second year of college and does not have to be told about the cut-off time at all. He knows that he can stay out late but prefers not to. A safety measure we take is that if he is going out of Navi Mumbai for a late night party, then he messages when he reaches and exits. Also we have told him to stay at a friend's place instead of coming back late at night. We also take the contact numbers of all his friends, which we've never had to use as he makes it a point to calls us at appropriate times. We've taken him out with us at 2 pm and let him see that the roads are deserted and that unsocial elements are about at that time. So he knows why it is essential to be indoors at appropriate hours. Sticky situation: When he first asked permission to attend a New Year's Eve party, he hadn't turned 18. So we kept talking casually about how crowded the parties outside would be and how travelling back would be a headache. Then we offered to host the party at home and leave them alone. So Anmol and his friends had the house to themselves and we had a great dinner! It took a little manipulation, but it was for a good cause! My 17-year-old daughter Prachi has just entered college and I have taken efforts to develop honesty in her through the years. So far her curfews have been consistent. She has standing instructions that she must have dinner with the family. We are early eaters, so she is usually home before 6.30 pm. I grew up in a joint family where teenagers weren't allowed outside after dark. The same rule applies to Prachi, but I haven't forced it on her. Even before she started college, we had a conversation about curfew timings and why they are needed. When I read newspaper stories about kidnappings and sexual abuse, I point them out to her to explain why we have these rules. Parties and stay-overs are a part of growing up, so I encourage her to call her friends home, and usually talk to them. Nothing intimidating; just a two-minute chat so that I can gauge what kind of people they are. For an overnight trip, I also ask her to give me numbers of her friends' parents. There's also a curfew on till when she can talk on the cell phone. I switch my phone off by 10 pm and expect her to do the same, although I give her an extra half hour. If she crosses a deadline, I call to ask what the situation is. There are times when I've had to put my foot down and say "If you don't come home on your own, I will have to come and pick you up." When they enter college life, there is a distinct shift in lifestyle, perception, friend circles, among other things. This is where you can lose control of your life, rebel or fall in place. I haven't thought about how rules will change as she grows, but the skeleton will remain. Sticky situation: When she shifted into a new college earlier this year, she wanted to go on a trek with her new friends. I realised that if she has to be part of a new friend circle, this trip is important. I asked her to call her friends home, so I get to know them. It's funny, but this was diffiult because my wife was opposed to the idea, but I managed to convince her. Deven is a teenager, but hasn't tasted college life yet. I still have a few rules to help our relationship once he decides to spread his wings. Communication trumps. For example: My son usually car pools with other friends to school. Once, he skipped the car pool and went to a cyber cafe to game. I have seen kids smoking outside that place, and the crowd that goes there isn't good either. Before entering the cafe, he called me and I asked him to come home immediately. He was really annoyed because he didn't know why I was angry. When he came home, I first appreciated the fact that he informed me before going into the cafe. And then told him that he can invite his friends over because we have a PS3 and a computer at home. He understood. He has regular sleepovers with kids within the building. I know all of them and trust that they don't do anything wrong. I believe Deven should be exposed to all kinds of people, and be allowed to make mistakes. Children are really curious and knowledge has to be given properly. We have even talked about smoking, and have told him to come to us if he wants to smoke. The curfew that I really enforce is his sleeping time - 10.30 pm. I know that if he goes for a sleepover he won't sleep before 4 am, but that's something that can't be helped. Sticky situation: Deven was invited to a sleepover once. The hosts wanted to party and wanted company for their children. This was just not acceptable, but Deven couldn't understand why I refused to let him go. I had to sit him down and explain that he should not be taken for granted.