Divorced young, found love again

After a painful divorce in her early 20s, Tara Kaushal, who never gave up on love, recently married her closest friend Sahil Getting divorced at a young age is traumatic, but one can still start afresh and find love again Recently, playback singer Sunidhi Chauhan announced her engagement to music composer Hitesh Sonik after a courtship of about two years. The 28-year-old says, she looks forward to being married and starting a new life with her fiance. This, however, isn't the first time Sunidhi has been down the aisle. Deeply infatuated and dedicated, she married her first love Bobby Khan at the young age of 18. Conflicting personalities and imbalanced expectations soon took their toll and the marriage didn't last for more than a year. It took Sunidhi 10 years of living life on her own terms and continuing to be optimistic about love to find Hitesh. That hurts The end of a marriage at any age is a traumatic experience, but it can be exceptionally painful if the couple isn't tempered by relationships and maturity. The heady rush of love that seems all-consuming has the strength to sway youngsters in their late teens and early 20s into making life-long commitments. By the time the implications are realised, it's often too late and the rift is irreversible. At the end of such a relationship, people are too scarred to give their love lives another chance and spend years trying to get over the emotional turmoil of their decision. Don't rush in For 28-year-old entrepreneur Tara Kaushal, love-marriage was a fairytale concept she bought into at the age of 19. Marrying young, she braved the concerns of her parents to take a plunge she soon realised she wasn't ready for. "My ex was 11 years older than me. At the time, the choices given to us were to either get married or break up. At 19, choosing to break up was a much harder call to take than to get married. We were in love. And he fit the right parameters - good schooling, right job, the works," she says, "but I knew I didn't want it when I got in. It wasn't the life I wanted." Their differences took a toll on the relationship and the two separated within three years. According to Clinical psychologist Varkha Chulani, the biggest mistake people make when marrying young is to assume that it will last forever and focus on superficial reasons. She says, "It's not your hobbies that need to match, but your attitudes." For Kaushal, the realisation of the fairytale being flawed was hard to accept. "At that age, one doesn't have the understanding and experience of how relationships work in the real world. Everything was so disappointing. My biggest fear was that I might never be able to feel so 'in-love' again," she says. "Those looking at an early marriage should keep love and lust at bay and come up with a value checklist," says Chulani. Know yourself better It's always easier to make it work with someone who is similar. Try and analyse the nature and temperament of your partner and test them in different social situations such as with your parents, friends etc. See how they rise to the occasion instead of just meeting over romantic dinners. Acknowledging that a relationship isn't working is a hard call to take. And when the couple in love is young, it's often a debilitating experience. "Upon my family's insistence, I did try to go back and work things out once or twice, but I knew it wouldn't work out. He wasn't a bad guy, just the wrong one," says Kaushal. Post-separation trauma is often accompanied with the social stigma that people still associate with divorces. Chulani says, this transition period is essential to regroup with oneself. Take the time to understand yourself better and let yourself heal. "The most common mistake people make is to generalise the situation and say all men are jerks or all women are nags. Learn to access your contribution in the failure of the marriage. But be sure to attribute it to your error of judgement and naivety," she says. A new beginning For Kaushal, the transition was eased as she moved to Mumbai to start afresh. "While it was initially very traumatic, I never gave up on love. I came to the city very optimistic. Soon, I found a friend in Sahil who over two years became my closest friend. He knew my history and was never intimidated by it. We got married a month ago and I couldn't be happier," says Tara. According to Chulani, it's essential to test and season your love. Put it through the test of time and see how it pans out. The danger of falling back in love is often as people are in denial of what caused the first relationship to drift apart and tend to make the same mistake, fall for the same personality type again without making amends. She says, "It's critical to selfevaluate and be sure of what one wants in a partner. Being vague about it is often what causes most relationships to unfurl. Learn to handle your baggage smartly instead of drowning every relationship under it."