How to put an end to 'self-sabotage'

You’re frustrated. You feel stuck in a repetitive motion, running at a crazy pace on a hamster wheel—getting nowhere—and perhaps even running the wrong way. How is that three years have gone by and you’re still in the same crappy job that you constantly complain about? Or you haven’t gone for that position that you know you’re perfect for? And, five years later, you’re still miserable in your relationship but unwilling to stop dragging that dead weight around with you? You know you have the potential for great stuff and want way more out of your life and career, but it never seems to quite work out the way you had planned. But you try so hard. Sadly, the very things you are doing to edge yourself towards getting what you want are likely the same exact habits and systems that are holding you back, and possibly making things even worse. Did you know that the typical methods we use to create change or break bad habits actually tend to keep us in a constant state of self-sabotage, preventing us from getting what we really want? We work so hard to see our dreams and big ideas pan out, but we’re using ineffective tools that work as well as fad diets. Temporary improvements followed by stale setbacks. Our intentions are mighty, yet our systems for achieving them are pretty outdated. So, we get stuck in a cycle of perceived powerless and disappointment, and often feel like we’re going backwards, or we give up altogether. Research is finally showing that old paradigms of using perfectionism, shame, guilt, and fear really don’t do the stellar job of motivating us as was once thought. Matter of fact, those archaic methods are the very things that keep us stuck. So, yes, you’ll have to rethink your methodology to make the big shift you’re looking for, but at least you’ll have a better chance at getting off the wheel of redundancy, and out of that glass box altogether. Here’s what to look for and how to start making lasting change that sticks: Get honest about your M.O. In her book, Mindset, Carol Dweck Ph.D. says your chances of successful change rely less on your ability and your circumstances, and more on your belief system and how you believe things can or will change. Essentially, she puts people in two different groups—those with a fixed mindset and those with a growth mindset. Psychoanalyst David Krueger, M.D., expands on this concept by suggesting that people who assume a fixed mindset tend to stay in their comfort zone indefinitely. They like to avoid challenges that don’t have an assured outcome because otherwise they might not meet their own standards or be accepted by those they are trying to impress. I would say that’s a pretty good example of self-sabotage. That M.O. basically ensures you will stay on that hamster wheel indefinitely. If you have a fixed mindset you work with the assumption that growth and success are the direct result of your work product, performance, talent or intelligence. If it doesn’t work out the way you had hoped, or you fail altogether, then you think you suck, you’re stupid, and a giant loser. If you don’t get what you anticipated, you beat yourself up, blame someone or something else, or find every reason in the world why it wasn’t your “fault” because that smacks of epic failure. When you’re operating from this failure/success point of view, your real motivation is, “Are people going to love me?”, “Are people going to accept me?”, and “Am I good enough?” Here’s the shift in mindset that actually fosters sustainable change: People who have a growth mindset are not inspired by the fear of failure or the promise of success. They believe that wisdom and success are gained through each experience. So if they stumble, they assess the blip, modify their behavior and proceed in a different way. Subsequently, each behavioral modification increases their rate of success as they move forward—a sort of live and learn mentality. They don’t expect special attention or rewards. That’s not their motivation. Their motivation is simply a sense of forward movement (not fixed ideals) and the accumulation of wisdom as they work toward their ultimate goal. Because they accept their imperfections and are gentle and kind to themselves when they trip up, they move forward more successfully and are generally happier. In other words, they modify as they go, avoiding the hamster wheel altogether. Stop trying to be perfect If you’ve adopted a fixed mindset, chances are you live in or frequently visit the Land of Perfectionism. It’s a huge trap, like that weird toyland Pinocchio went to before he got turned into a donkey. In his twisted pursuit to become something he wasn’t, he turned out to be something else altogether. A rather undesirable outcome, I might add. He turned into an ass. The problem with perfectionism is that you’re trying to achieve an undefined and ever-shifting standard, so it’s a perfect setup for failure. In the process of trying to be the “winner” at whatever you’re trying to do, you’re creating an unattainable goal and trying to meet it in an unsustainable way. Perfectionism creates the perfect conditions for self-sabotage. There’s always someone better and more perfect, so striving to be the best at everything all the time is lost cause. Being the best is unnecessary for success, unless you’re trying to feed your ego. Your best is all that is required. Artist Chuck Close said, “Never let anyone define what you are capable of with parameters that don’t apply to you.” That includes yourself. Get rid of the guilt Perfectionism usually is fueled by generous helpings of guilt and shame. Most people don’t even realize how much they guilt themselves into trying to achieve this or that, even if they’re not a perfectionist. When you’re motivated by making yourself feel bad so you’ll try harder, you’re engaging in a cycle of behavior that almost inevitably ends in failure. Let’s revisit the fad diet scenario. Most of us have experienced self-talk like this: “I ate this bad thing; Now I feel guilty; I’m a loser because I have no willpower; Next time I will suffer through and stick to the diet.” Then you repeat the same cycle. Studies prove that this cycle ends up in you failing even worse the next time around. That’s why people lose five pounds and gain ten. According to Kelly McGonigal, Ph.D., a health psychologist at Stanford University, stress, guilt and shame actually make you more susceptible to immediate gratification, temptation and anxiety. She says, “The harder you are on yourself when you have a willpower failure, the more likely you are to have the same failure again, and the bigger it’s going to be when you do.” Fascinating, huh? When we feel guilty for either letting ourselves or someone else down, most of us are really experiencing false guilt. False guilt is feeling responsible for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy. It stems from a perception that you are somehow breaking unspoken rules, are not meeting some perceived standard or are just not good enough for the task at hand. Limiting beliefs are the operating formulas created by those unspoken rules. Those limiting beliefs will suck the energy right out of you and cause you to fail or have a setback because they are not finite. They’re constantly changing and have no basis in reality. If you enjoy your jog on the hamster wheel, keep guilting yourself. Be kind to yourself So, it’s been proven now that, contrary to popular belief, self-flagellation and guilting yourself do not help you get what you want. They actually cause setbacks, complete failure or regression. According to Dr. McGonigal, it’s clinically proven that you’re more likely to meet your goals or break your bad habits if you treat yourself with kindness and allow yourself some grace if you trip up. This is one of the principals of the growth mindset and certainly does not invite perfectionism to play. This is where self-compassion is crucial to helping you get to where you really want to be. If you want to meet your goal or change the bad habits that are preventing you from doing so, and sustain your practice of creating change, you need to be kind to yourself. The actual practice of being kind to ourselves and giving ourselves some leeway is called self-compassion. When we don’t practice self-compassion, we often don’t allow ourselves experiences that make us feel good, or we may downplay our successes when we do have them. We use negative self-talk and self-deprecating humor to punish ourselves for our perceived shortcomings. We tend to deny ourselves feel-good experiences because we feel like we’re not worthy, or we’re not getting the approval from others that we seek, so we must not deserve kindness. We tend to allow unrealistic romantic sentiment or learned ideals to hold us back from celebrating a seemingly insignificant milestone. Or, we put everyone else’s needs or expectations ahead of our own, causing us to sabotage our own plans. You deserve the kindness that you so readily dole out to everyone else, and that kindness will help you achieve more, with less stress. What more could you ask for? Lighten up It comes down to this: If you want to make progress, lighten up your load so you can move forward easier. Drop the sentimental pretense and heavy expectations, they’re not yours to carry. Let go of your attachment to how you think your performance defines who you are as a person. Shed your old cycles of trying “hard,” tripping up, and giving yourself a beat down. Get off the wheel and learn to enjoy the process of switching directions and going with the flow. If you slip up, give yourself credit for taking a risk, then reconfigure and adapt as you move forward. It’s not always simple, or easy, but it doesn’t have to be so strenuous. Enjoy the process of getting what you want while you’re on your way there. Above all, treat yourself with kindness along the way.